Wednesday 22nd of March 2023

Nairobi, Kenya

A Slay Queen’s Guide To Surviving The Lockdown

A slay queen thrives under lockdown because there’s no alternative.

I mean, who’ll wear all those awesome clothes in your wardrobe. You’ve been saving those red bottom heels, for a special occasion. All the looks that you’ve put together for all the fun, social, fashionable events, that were indefinitely postponed till things are better.

I mean there’s only one version of you, and you need to put all your haters to shame. Of course, it’ll be hard for you to get the usual essentials in this lockdown.

This lockdown might stretch for a while into the unforeseeable future. So what’s the best way to stay ahead of the curve.

First, don’t let your skin suffer under any circumstances. You might need a dermatologist on speed dial. Of course, you can’t get stressed out and break out in hives like in high school while you were fighting against hormones.

A true slayer knows that a smooth face is the best foundation for makeup. You need to order for all your skincare items to be brought to your doorstep.

Secondly, don’t forget to look after your hair. You might have to smuggle your stylist to do an emergency touch-up or to remove your weave. However, if you’re in the middle of nowhere with strange saloons then you’ll have to invest in low-maintenance styles and perhaps a wig, or two.

After all, you can change your hairstyle whenever you’re bored. Remember to wash and oil your hair as you wait for your favourite spa to reopen.

Indeed, you have to put aside delicate clothes. You know, that you can’t visit the dry cleaners, so why risk staining your cashmere sweater with take-out food from ArtCafe. I mean, this isn’t the time to take fashion risks. You should only wear cotton or other garments that are machine-wash friendly.

The gym is no longer a haven. You can’t wear tight yoga pants and lacy sports bras and snap pictures of yourself looking toned. You know that your clothes are a certain size. Hence, outgrowing your clothes isn’t an option. A slay queen needs to flourish during difficult times. You only have one option: figure out how to work out from home.

Stock up on luxury essentials. I’m talking about those pricey perfumes, that come in pretty shapes, and sizes. Also, foreign chocolates, that can’t be sourced locally. Let’s not forget all your top make-up brands’ products. Nobody knows when the lockdown will end. What if that day is tomorrow? You need to prepared to look your best.

Don’t entertain any house guests at any costs. I mean, isn’t everyone preaching about social distancing.

Don’t waste your time obsessing and flaunting yourself online. You can’t announce all your boss moves and wonder why haters are one step ahead of you. It helps to keep your enemies confused as to your plot your way ahead.

You have to study fashion and make-up trends from around the globe. Indeed, you can dedicate time to piecing together new looks, practising poses and snapping away pictures. Besides, you need to look like a fashionable badass whenever you post anything online.

You need to consider learning the basics of a new foreign language. Besides, you’ll always be travelling, I mean hello Emirates Business Class, I’m coming back to you.

You didn’t bake in the hot sun, wearing stilettos at Huduma Centre, waiting for a new passport to chill at home.

A Slay Queens’ Guide To Getting Famous

Nairobi is hot, dusty and unforgiving especially dressed in six-inch high heels trying to get your hustle off the ground.

A slay queen can’t become famous overnight so here are a few tips on unleashing your inner slayer.

Weaves speak volumes.

Get a silky, long & voluminous hair weave that moves with your head whenever you turn your neck. It arrived in a golden box. Sitting on your head, it makes you feel like a real house-wife married to a famous artist or athlete. Easily snapping your fingers whenever someone doesn’t feel right or someone is being basic with you.


Plastic surgery is no longer a big deal.

Get a little nip & tuck done so younger girls don’t try to steal your crown and glory. If your boobs aren’t perky or your ass isn’t as round and curvy as it used to then find a good plastic surgeon immediately. Change your skin complexion from dark chocolate to a light caramel so that you’re no longer apart of #DarkSkinLivesMatter or #DarkGirlsDoItBetter Twitter conversations. 

Date Someone Famous

Date someone famous and ironically become famous because you’re absorbing all their popularity and using it to your advantage. Just look at your Instagram feed and the ladies trending. Who was spotted where? With whom? & What they wear wearing? Watch yourself glow up because your new bae is your ticket to the finer things in life.

Famous Baby Mama

Become a famous baby mama. I can’t imagine a better dual purpose role. Firstly, you become famous because everyone is curious about you and how you managed to outfox that guy. Secondly, child support can be a second career if he’s out there living large & earning well. Just read up on children’s court & know how to make that man sing for his supper.

Get ‘nice’ pictures taken

Get ‘nice’ pictures taken that’ll help propel your career as a slay queen. ‘Nice’ pictures that can be shared, ogled at, strike controversy and land modelling gigs.

Reality show

Reality show. Imagine a camera following you around all day. Make it juicy & get yourself promoted to the main face of the show. Double that paycheck and use that show to promote your other ventures. You need to be able to slay in your sleep and put money in the bank.

Follow Your Talent

Try singing or acting or modelling. Chase after a career that puts you in the limelight and forces people to reckon with you. If you have a voice then put out a demo cover online & share it widely. If you can act then figure out a way to end up on television alternatively YouTube vloggers can start you off.

Is Being Infamous Such A Bad Thing?

Become infamous. Any publicity is better than no publicity.

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