Sunday 5th of July 2020

Nairobi, Kenya

Slay Queen’s Guide To Travelling Upcountry

Posted On : October 31, 2018

Linda Wairegi

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A slay queen is usually based in Nairobi because why would a slay queen travel upcountry. Nairobi is where all the magic happens. It’s the land of opportunity for people that never miss a beat.

The traditional one will wonder if anything is worth it out there. I don’t like someone holding Arimis milking jelly & huge metallic round bucket & giving me a pointed stare. I wasn’t created to stamp around in black gumboots in a cowshed. Why would anyone want to touch its tits?

Guys in shaggz love drinking milk straight from the source but what about food contamination. Yet, premium milk can be bought at Game or Carrefour.

Definitely, leave all your fancy six-inch heels at home. Where will you wear them? I mean the distance between Farm A & Farm B is 1km. So a wild party and blasting loud music through the night can’t cause a lot of commotion. Your neighbours will sleep through it all. Indeed, the local pub isn’t exactly brimming with potential like XS Millionaires Club. Even the name says it all. Instead, you’ll find men crowded in a circle drinking from a brown, injured pot using slender straws. Not a millionaire insight.

Indeed, village men usually want a ‘humble good girl’ that doesn’t cause drama wherever she goes so tone down the makeup. Don’t scare away your prey before you catch it. Still, waters run deep.

Go upcountry in a car whether you have to borrow it or acquire it through other means. I usually have a hard time keeping the peace when its blazing hot and someone next to me is chewing sugarcane like a donkey.

You can’t open a damn window because some ladies at the front have a small baby & are scared he might catch something. Each bump the matatu hits, makes you pray that your luggage is still in the boot. You packed your clothes in a designer leather suitcase.

At least in a car, I can stop whenever I need a bathroom instead of answering the call of the wild like a heathen. Modern toilets were made for a reason. Imagine squatting in the middle of nowhere hoping that no-one can see you.

Leave delicate clothes & shoes at home. Stuff like chiffon, suede, leather & cashmere. Once it decides to rain upcountry with inches of tough black mud & I accidentally slip because I can’t see through the thick fog. Removing that stain won’t be a walk in the park. Not even if I end up using the dry cleaners.

Babies. Coo & awwh them for a minute or two then give that baby back unless you’re trying to impress someone. I can’t always tell if they’re wearing pampers, clothing diapers or just going au naturale. So you never really know but I don’t need that kind of surprise in my life. Piss isn’t a good scent on me. The mum looking at me with a slightly apologetic face while I try to keep the peace because I’m wearing genuine Levi jeans from the shop.

I never sit too close to the open fire especially if I’m wearing my super wavy Brazillian hairpiece. Not since I noticed that the drinking water boiled in the big black sufuria has a smoky after taste. Creating time to rewash my weave, condition it, combing it out and letting it air dry is tricky especially since I’m usually on the go. Of course, good hair is also an investment so I take care of it like a baby.

Look at my hands. I wasn’t created for hard labour and that includes manual laundry. Casually ignore anyone that brings this idea up because the men will be too busy slaughtering something.

Sorting white and blacks before throwing them in the washing machine sounds better. A girl can dream!

The finer things in life always within my reach because I’m worth it.

 

 

Linda Wairegi

Creative writer interested in life & being happy ;)

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