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Sunday 14th of August 2022

Nairobi, Kenya

Why Do Men Cheat?

Cheating can be extremely detrimental and damaging to a relationship, as it can break down the trust, honesty, and respect that are at the core of any successful and long-term relationship. And while it’s important to recognize the warning signs that your man may be cheating on you, such as he acts out of character, he desperately wants his privacy, and he suddenly cares more about his looks, it’s equally important to understand the underlying reasons why men are unfaithful in the first place.

It’s no secret that men are far more likely to cheat on their partners than women are. If you need any proof of this and you probably don’t consider that the vast majority of Ashley Madison’s 37 million “active” users were overwhelmingly male. (Like, 99.99999 percent male.) And, more recently, a 2015 YouGov poll found that 21 percent of men (compared to 19 percent of women) had actually admitted to cheating in the past. But the question remains: why do men cheat?

Here are 15 reasons that may lead a man to cheat:

1. An ex walked back into the picture.

It’s the tale as old as time: the one that got away. “A lot of times when we’re in a rough spot in our current relationship,” says Shirey, “we tend to disqualify the good.”

And when an ex shows up, “we remember that spark.” So you’ve got a situation where he’s ignoring the good parts about his current relationship and ignoring the bad parts the parts that likely led to the breakup in the first place of his old relationship. That’s a recipe for disaster.

2. He’s immature

One of the main reasons why men cheat is simply a matter of immaturity. When a man is immature, this unappealing attribute can impact a relationship in many different ways. For example, men who are immature often put themselves first in most situations, don’t take into consideration their partner’s feelings, insist on being right even when they’re wrong, and are characteristically unreliable and irresponsible. To that end, being immature is also heavily related to acting impulsively, as most men who are immature tend to give in to their basic temptations and desires without a care or concern for the repercussions of their actions and the possible negative effects that their behavior can have on others.

3. His emotional needs aren’t being met

Another primary reason why men cheat pertains to their emotional needs and desires. In fact, it’s been shown that nearly 50 percent of men who cheat do so because they feel emotionally unfulfilled, unhappy, and unsatisfied in their relationship. In other words, men cheat in order to feel valued and emotionally supported, both of which they may not sense they receive from their partner.

And rather than finding ways to have their emotional needs met in their current relationship, such as by frequently communicating with their partner, openly discussing their feelings and concerns, as well as having realistic and sensible expectations of their significant other, these men often seek out another person (or people) who can provide them with the emotional satisfaction, support, and empathy that they believe they’re lacking.

Whether men are looking to feel appreciated and desired or are simply searching for a shoulder to cry on, a lack of emotional fulfillment is powerful enough to drive men to cheat. It should be noted that less than 15 percent of men rated the women they were cheating with as more beautiful and physically appealing than their current partner, which again underscores that men cheat in large part due to a strong emotional connection with someone else.

4. His physical needs aren’t being met

When looking more closely at the real reasons why men cheat, a lack of sexual fulfillment in his current relationship is also a key underlying factor behind a man’s infidelity. Specifically, a study in the International Journal of Sexual Health revealed that one of the major motivators in a man’s decision to start an affair was his desire for sexual satisfaction that was lacking or completely absent from his present relationship. With this in mind, it’s not too surprising that an additional sign that a man may be cheating is that he stops being physically intimate with his partner since his sexual needs are being met by someone new.

Along these lines, men reported that sexual curiosity was a major incentive to cheat, as it’s not only a search for physical gratification that impelled them to be unfaithful but also a strong desire for new sexual experiences that are more alluring and appealing. It’s also interesting to note that men are more likely to cheat because of unmet sexual needs than women.

5. He’s insecure

When a man is insecure, he may feel unworthy of being with his partner, he may constantly worry about his partner’s continued interest level, and he may continually need reassurance, support, and approval from his partner in a wide range of circumstances. Typically, insecure men are typically very needy, and they incessantly seek out validation in order to prove to their partners, and more importantly themselves, that they’re good enough. With this in mind, research has found that men who are insecure in their relationships are more likely to cheat, as noted in a study in the Journal of Family Psychology.

In other words, because of a man’s insecurities, lack of confidence, and underlying fears that he’s not good enough, he ends up looking for reassurance and affirmations of self-worth from others, both in and out of his relationship. In fact, an insecure man may be so worried about the state of his relationship that his fear of losing his partner can actually induce him to cheat, which in essence becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. In a word, his lack of confidence ends up destroying the very foundation of the relationship he’s worried about losing.

6. He’s an egomaniac

On the flip side, while insecure men are likely to cheat, so too are men with an overblown sense of importance and self-worth. Specifically, egomaniacs believe that the entire world revolves around them, and not only do they think that they’re incredibly attractive, smart, successful, and talented, but they’ll be the first ones to tell you that. And when looking at egomaniacs in terms of infidelity, it’s interesting to note that their inordinately inflated sense of self in conjunction with their desire to be the focus of attention makes them likely candidates to cheat on their partner.

In one study, research in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that married men who are sexual narcissists, meaning that they only care about their own physical needs and lack any real concern or interest in their partner’s wants and desires, are more likely to have affairs. In other words, narcissistic and self-aggrandizing men who believe their needs should always take precedence over the needs of others are more likely to seek satisfaction, praise, and attention outside of their relationship.

7. His father was a cheater

When looking at the real reasons why men cheat, there’s also evidence that cheating can run in the family. Specifically, cheating can actually be a learned behavior that boys pick up during childhood. In fact, it’s been shown that men are more likely to cheat if their fathers were cheaters, as noted in the Archives of Sexual Behavior. This is due to the fact that during childhood, men look to their fathers as examples and role models of what behaviors are acceptable and what behaviors aren’t. And when they see their father cheat, this type of behavior is ingrained into their own minds and becomes normalized as a way to deal with certain circumstances and relationship issues.

To that end, the example set by their fathers is how young boys learn to deal with many different situations, and they’ll likely mimic their father’s behavior in the future because it’s all they know. It’s also interesting to note that women in this study were not more likely to cheat if their fathers were cheaters, which highlights just how important a father’s role is in terms of shaping the future actions of his son.

8. His friends are cheaters

But the powerful role that friendship can play regarding a man’s propensity to cheat doesn’t stop there, as his friends can also highly influence his future behavior and rational decision-making. Along these lines, a study in the Journal of Consumer Research revealed a person’s friends can heavily impact his or her decision to give in to temptation, as friends are more likely to band together when they decide to act impulsively and irrationally. In other words, there’s power in numbers, and if your man surrounds himself with friends who make poor decisions, such as being unfaithful, he’s more likely to make similarly poor decisions due to their influence.

9. He’s being cheated on

An additional reason why men cheat is simply due to the fact that their partner is cheating on them. And under this kind of distressing circumstance, many men look outside of their relationship as a way to seek revenge and get back at their partner for committing this offense against them. In addition, these men also start affairs in order to regain a sense of power and control after being the victim of infidelity. It’s also been shown that men who are being cheated on engaging in their own indiscretions as a way to distract themselves from the pain, betrayal, shame, and/or anger that they may feel because of their cheating partner. And starting an affair can help them refocus their energy and divert their attention away from their partner’s hurtful actions.

However, for many men, this approach is typically not the best course of action when dealing with a cheating partner because it can actually make them feel worse about themselves and the situation in general. After all, men who start an affair in reaction to their partner’s affair often end up undercutting their self-esteem even more by engaging in behaviors that go against their personal values, ethics, and morals.

10. He’s worried about his sexual performance

While it may seem counter-intuitive, men who have anxiety about their sexual abilities are actually more likely to cheat on their partner. In fact, researchers from Indiana University’s Center for Sexual Health Promotion, The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction, as well as the University of Guelph in Ontario found that men who had sexual performance issues had a greater likelihood of being unfaithful.

One explanation for this seemingly conflicting result is that men are less inhibited when they’re with someone who isn’t their partner, and they tend to feel less nervous, worried, and concerned about their performance with this new person. Along these lines, another explanation is that cheating provides men with the opportunity to be with someone who isn’t aware of their past sexual performance issues, and being with this new person can actually help to lower the pressure to perform and please this new person. It’s also thought that men with sexual performance problems cheat in order to help themselves overcome these sexual issues in an environment that’s free of the judgment, ridicule, and/or embarrassment they may feel when they’re with their partner.

11. He’s feeling depressed or anxious.

Everyone experiences depressed feelings and anxiety to a certain degree. The issue is whether or not those thoughts come from the relationship. “If he’s feeling lonely within his relationship, emasculated in some way, or angry with his partner,” says Laurel Steinberg, PhD, a New York-based relationship therapist and professor of psychology at Columbia University, it could certainly lead a man to cheat. However, “it’s important to note that cheating [tends to] exacerbate existing anxiety and depression.” Thus, the circle remains unbroken.

12. Evolution is to blame.

There’s that old adage, where every man wants to sleep with as many women as possible “spread his seed,” so to speak and every woman wants to find one mate “lock him down.” We’re writers, not evolutionary psychologists, and cannot possibly hope to speak about the truth of that thinking, so we’ll let Shirey take it away: “There are some theories out of evolutionary psychology.

The theory is that, because women only have a chance of reproduction once a month, they tend to be much more discriminating in choosing a partner. Whereas men can basically have a chance of reproduction every time they ejaculate.”

13. He has potential psychopathic tendencies.

As Shirey mentioned, most people don’t wake up with the malicious intent to betray or hurt their partner. Well, most. “Maybe it’s a personality disorder, or are deeply anti-social, or have narcissistic tendencies,” says Shirey. Whatever the reason, “they need to address it themselves.” Until that happens, this man will hurt any- and everyone romantically involved with him. Run.

14. He’s addicted to sex.

“In very few instances, there are people who have a legitimate sex addiction,” says Shirey. Sex triggers dopamine receptors the pleasure center of the brain. And like anything else that triggers dopamine see: cocaine, heroin it can be addictive. For some people, dopamine activates more from sex than from other things. “A lot of people try to use it as a cop-out, though,” says Shirey. Fellas, don’t do that. Remember: “very few instances.”

15. Poor judgment and willpower are at fault.

“You’re more likely to put yourself in a situation where infidelity could occur if you’re not happy in your relationship,” says Mark. Whether you’re agreeing to tequila shots at a club with your buddies or, even more dangerous, agreeing to one-on-one happy hour with that cute new associate in accounting people who are committed to and satisfied with their relationship will avoid those scenarios. ‘

If he actively and repeatedly decides to engage in risky situations, something’s up. “People know the consequences of infidelity,” says Mark. “It’s not a secret. It does tear couples apart.”

Where Do We Go from Here?

Interestingly, after working with hundreds of couples attempting to process and overcome a male (or female) partner’s cheating, it is clear to me that it’s not any specific sexual act that does the most damage to a committed relationship. It’s the ongoing pattern of secrets and lies that surrounds the cheating that causes a loving partner the most pain. The profound and repeated betrayal of relationship trust causes the most pain. And most cheated-on partners will agree that their feelings of being betrayed are just as profound when a loved one is giving himself away online as when there is alive, in-vivo affair.

Sadly, most men (and women) who choose to break a vow of monogamy to an intimate partner don’t realize the profound effects their behavior can have on that loved one. One important recent study found that the wives of men who’ve discovered a pattern of infidelity in their partners often experience acute stress symptoms similar to those found in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Unsurprisingly, the emotional damage caused by infidelity can be difficult to overcome, even with the help of an experienced marriage or couples counselor. That said if both partners are committed to behavior change and healing, most relationships can be saved, even strengthened, after and despite an affair. For some wives and spouses, however, the repeated violation of trust is too much; they are unable to experience the necessary emotional safety required to rebuild a relationship and move on. In such cases, solid, neutral relationship therapy can help to help negotiate a break-up, offering direction for both individuals to move on with their lives.

Content courtesy of The List, Best life Online, Psychology Today & Nairobi fashion hub 

 

Why Do Women Cheat?

In the past, there have been more significant differences in the reasons why men cheat and why women cheat, with men cheating more for sexual variety and women cheating more because of relationship dissatisfaction. But nowadays, that gender gap in infidelity is closing: Men and women cheat for many of the same reasons and at similar rates.

Take, for instance, a research study out of The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, which surveyed 918 men and women with an average age of 31 and found that “there were no significant gender differences in the report of infidelity (23% of men vs. 19% of women).”  Then there’s the National Opinion Research Center’s General Social Survey (GSS), which found that women between the ages of 18 and 29 were more likely to cheat than men of the same age group (11% vs. 10%). Further data out of the GSS showed that the percentage of women who cheat rose nearly 40% from 1990 to 2010, while men’s adultery rate held steady at 21%.

The reason for the uptick in women who cheat? Some attribute it to the increased responsibilities (and therefore increased needs and wants) of the modern woman, as they shoulder the traditionally female duties of housekeeping and child-rearing along with the added demands of a career.

Empowered by feminist viewpoints and financial freedom, modern women are less likely to compromise and better positioned to seek out the emotional and sexual gratification that’s missing in their relationship. “Women want what they were supposed to get from marriage in the 1950s house, kids, stability, security,” says Robert Weiss Ph.D., MSW. “They also want to be loved, respected, and desired, and for their partners to be interested in and to care about their thoughts, feelings, and ideas.”

The question still remains: Why do women cheat? Read on for 10 common reasons why women cheat, plus expert insight that may help explain the motivation behind their behavior. Of course, every situation is unique, but these explanations may help you better understand the mindset of women who cheat.

Here are 15 reasons that may lead a woman to cheat:

1. Dealing With Low Self-Esteem

When a woman is struggling with low self-worth, it may spur them to look to external sources for the attention and validation that they and their partner are unable to create and sustain. A woman who cheats may rely on affairs to provide them with proof of their value or desirability, or to give their life meaning. When one fling ends, it may cause them to feel neglected or worthless, so they pursue a new romantic interest and the cycle continues.

2. Feel Emotionally Starved

While studies suggest that men who cheat are primarily motivated by sex, women who cheat tend to do so to fill an emotional need. And in the case of an emotional affair, sex isn’t part of the equation at all. Whether the affair is physical or emotional in nature, a woman may cheat because they crave conversation, empathy, respect, devotion, adoration, support, or some other connection that’s lacking in their current relationship.

3. Expressing Anger and Retribution

Some women enter into a relationship with an idealized image of how their spouse should behave as a parent, a partner, a professional, or some other role. When the partner falls short of expectations, it can create a divide in the relationship that provides the impetus to stray.

“Some women expect their partner to meet their every need and desire (even when they don’t bother to share what those needs and desires are),” says Robert Weiss Ph.D., MSW. “When their partner inevitably fails them, these women will sometimes turn to someone else.” Some women may resent their partner for another reason, such as a partner’s past affair, and use their own infidelity as retaliation.

4. Craving Excitement

You’ve likely heard of the term serial cheaters people who cheat for the thrill of it. Women can be thrill-seekers, too. They may love their S.O. but yearn for those endorphin-fueled interactions that make a new relationship so exciting.

In fact, in a study helmed by Eric Anderson, the chief science officer at the affair dating website AshleyMadison.com, it was found that 67% of heterosexual, married women who cheat sought out “romantic passion,” yet 100% of the women denied any intention of leaving their husbands; some even “stated their overt love for their husbands, painting them in a positive light.”

5. Feel Sexually Deprived

Try as we might to keep the spark alive, the excitement that accompanies a new relationship only lasts so long. “The most predictable thing about a relationship is that, the longer it progresses, the quality and the frequency of sex between the couple will fade,” continues Anderson. “This is because we get used to and bored of the same body.”

It’s not surprising, then, that some women who cheat are missing those thrilling hallmarks of a relationship’s beginning stages when passion and intrigue have yet to give way to routine and familiarity.

6. Lonely

A woman who cheats may have a partner who works long hours, leaving them home with the kids all day. Perhaps they’ve found themselves in a stage in life when it’s harder to make friends, or maybe their S.O. is contending with a chronic illness.

Whatever the reason, loneliness can cause us to “distort our perceptions such that we view ourselves, our lives, and our relationships more negatively which in turn, influences our behavior in damaging ways,” notes Guy Winch Ph.D. This can lead a woman to cheat, as these feelings of isolation and disengagement cause them to look for companionship outside of their primary relationship.

7. Lack a Secure Attachment Style

Attachment theory suggests that early childhood relationships influence how we perceive and behave in our intimate relationships as adults. Depending on the care and nurturing (or lack thereof) that one receives as a child, they’ll fall into one of three attachment styles as adults: secure (having well-adjusted expectations and approaches to relationships), anxious (exhibiting fear of abandonment), or avoidant (preferring to retain their independence from others).

Women who identify with the latter two “insecure” attachment styles are more likely to display characteristics think clinginess and dismissiveness that interfere with a healthy romantic relationship. Moreover, they’re more likely to cheat, as they seek out reassurance from a third-party partner or attempt to avoid the intimacy of the primary relationship.

8. Going Through a Mid-Life Crisis

While mid-life crises generally affect people between the ages of 35 and 60, the event, which often presents as a period of existential self-evaluation, has less to do with age than extenuating circumstances. Major life events, such as the death of a parent or a milestone birthday, may trigger a mid-life crisis in a woman, causing them to wrestle with the burden of greatness; that is, the socio-cultural expectation that women can and should “have it all” a successful career, a loving partner, adoring children, and so on.

“Events that make you change your viewpoint about yourself or life, that exhilarate and expand you or throw you a little off-balance, can lead to seizing a new love or trying another man on for size,” notes Carol Botwin her book Tempted Women: The Passions, Perils, and Agonies of Female InfidelityA woman may act out of character as they attempt to realize their potential and make up for a lost time. These actions can include infidelity, as a woman who cheats goes outside their primary relationship in search of happiness and personal fulfillment.

9. Contending With an Underlying Condition

According to Joel Block, PhD, assistant clinical professor of psychology at Hofstra Northwell School of Medicine, depression, and infidelity go hand in hand. “An affair is exciting, so much so that the brain can begin to pump out dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin neurotransmitters we produce when we’re attracted to someone, but which, not so coincidentally, are the same chemicals produced when we take antidepressants,” he says.

In other words, a woman who cheats is self-medicating through their infidelity, even if they don’t realize the true reason behind their pleasure.

10. Opportunity Arose

Very few acts of infidelity are premeditated, asserts Isadora Alman, board-certified sex, marriage, and family therapist with more than 35 years’ worth of professional experience. ” Those who cheat do so usually because they weren’t actively looking for it,” she says. “The opportunity was there with a workmate, a classmate, someone in their social circle or at the gym, for instance.”

Similar opportunities exist in the digital realm, too. Social media, dating apps, and texting have revolutionized the ease at which we can connect with others, so it’s no surprise that these platforms often serve as a springboard for affairs even if the interactions start innocently, without the intent of something illicit. What’s more, women are generally more active on social media than men (although men are starting to close the gap).

11. Women cheat for sex

“Women appreciate good sex just like anyone else,” Nelson says. “Women cheat when they find a man or woman that turns them on.” If anyone tells you men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotion, she adds, they’re wrong. A recent study published in the Journal of Sex Research found that, although men are still more likely to cheat for sexual variety, it’s still among the top three reasons women cheat.

12. Unhappy with their current relationship

The same study found another top reason women cheat is that they’ve fallen out of love with their current primary partner. Even if the love is still there, in general, a woman who’s unhappy in her relationship may be more inclined to cheat. Whether because of anger, home, financial problems, family trouble the list goes on they may feel cheating will offer them what their current relationship isn’t.

“Women cheat because the relationship at home is cooling off,” Nelson says. “If there is tension or boredom at home, excitement on the side can be a distraction, a temptation too great to avoid.”

13. The new person made them feel special

Sometimes people cheat because the new person gave them a new feeling or made them feel like someone else. “Women report that an affair lover makes them feel special, sexy, and adored, and that attention is hard to ignore, no matter what their spouse does at home,” Nelson says.

14. It was just a mistake

The third top reason for women cheating, according to the study? It was just situational. Things like being drunk and “not thinking clearly.”

“Everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes, affairs happen because of opportunity,” Nelson adds. “Women can act impulsively and then regret it.” In other words, it’s entirely possible there isn’t much deeper meaning aside from an opportunity that they weren’t able to pass up at the moment.

15. They want a breakup or a change

Sometimes people cheat because they want their relationship to end, and cheating seems like an easier way to break it than to directly confront their partner. But Nelson also points out that sometimes people cheat because they want something in their current relationship to change: “Women cheat to get out of a marriage, or to stay in one,” she says.

Who cheats more men or women?

Research suggests that men are more likely to cheat in committed relationships. One 2016 study suggests that on average, 20% of men have cheated versus 13% of women. Interestingly, women in the 18-29 age group actually cheated slightly more than men. Though as the years go on, fewer women cheat while more men cheat, and the gap gets wider over time.

Content courtesy of My Domaine, Mind Body Green & Nairobi fashion hub

 

Why Married People Cheat and Common Causes of Infidelity in a Marriage

Infidelity is one of the most distressing things you can experience in a romantic relationship. Here’s why lovers are motivated to be unfaithful, There are many causes of infidelity in a marriage, but among our modern society of instant gratification, these are the most common.

Is infidelity the chicken or the egg? Is it caused by a loveless marriage or rather by a marriage partner who is unwilling to commit and work through problems?

Infidelity is costly it can lead to tears, break-ups, divorces, and even violence. So why do people do it?

The question haunts lovers and fascinates researchers, with a recent study offering some sobering findings: You could be doing everything right and your partner could still be tempted to cheat for reasons that have nothing to do with you or the quality of feelings you share.

The following are some of my thoughts on the causes of infidelity in marriage:

1. Lack of love

Feeling that your partner is not “The One” for you. No longer feeling passionate love or even falling out of love. Perceiving the relationship to be boring, dull, or stagnant. “Lack of love is a powerful motivation it’s definitely one of the stronger ones,” Selterman noted.

2. Sexual desire

Feeling unsatisfied with the sex life you have in your relationship, perhaps because your partner has lost interest or you want to try something new that your partner can’t give you. “We also found people might be motivated to test the waters with regards to their own orientation or identity,” he said.

3. Neglect

Feeling that your partner is not paying enough attention to you or not spending enough time with you. Not feeling appreciated.

4. Situation

When you’re in a different setting or not quite yourself perhaps when you’re on vacation, drunk, or under a lot of stress you may have a momentary urge to sexually explore that would not necessarily be part of your stable, everyday behavior. “Landmark events,” such as an upcoming 40th birthday, may also lead you to cheat. One study showed “9-enders“ people who are 29, 39, 49, and so on may seek an affair as they approach a new decade to try to find meaning in their life.

5. Variety

You live by the motto “You only live once,” so you want to try lots of sexual experiences with as many partners as possible.

6. The Internet

The Internet is a major facilitator of infidelity. It is much easier to find forbidden fruit online than it is in person.  There are so many websites where people can meet with no questions asked. Think of the tag line of Ashley Madison – “Life is Short. Have an Affair.”

7. Running Away from Problems

Running away from problems is a major contributor to infidelity. Making excuses rather than facing the music with your spouse opens the door to infidelity, especially emotional affairs. I have heard many examples where a spouse would tell me that he or she has found a coworker with a shoulder to lean on. It should be no surprise that sympathetic coworkers regularly become participants in illicit affairs.

8. Pornography

Pornography is rampant on the Internet – but does this lead to affairs? Does it lead to emotional affairs and the death of love and trust? Absolutely! Internet and “porn addiction” are significant factors causing the breakdown of marriages today. And you might be surprised to know that this problem is not discriminatory toward men. More and more women suffer from the Internet and porn addiction today just as much as men.

9. Escort Services

Escort services and the like, including “online massages,” etc., are much more attainable in our age of social media than it ever was before. Scrutinizing credit card charges is but one of the contributing factors as to why divorces are expensive.

10. Facebook

Facebook is now a contributing factor to about a third of all divorces. A couple of years ago, that number was 25%. You can meet anyone online. I have had cases where someone reconnected with a high school sweetheart and ran off during the divorce even though the sweetheart lived over 3,000 miles away. An online fantasy that the “grass is greener on the other side” is a significant cause in the breakdown of marriages today.

11. Boredom

Boredom can lead to an affair. Many people fall into routines, including tired routines in the bedroom. What do you do to keep your marriage fresh? Many divorces could be possibly avoided if people took the time and commitment to communicate verbally and physically and keep things exciting. Some people look for excitement to escape boredom. It can be by experimenting with other relationships, trying drugs, fast cars, or hanging out with different people. I once had a case where a husband wanted a ménage à trois for his milestone birthday. His wife agreed to the gift.  Over time, the couple experimented with wife-swapping and ultimately his wife ran off with someone else.

12. Growing Apart with Your Partner

People grow apart. Do you and your spouse have the same goals anymore? Do you want to ride off into the sunset together after the children are grown? Is your spouse your best friend?

13. Addiction

Alcohol and drugs often go hand in hand with affairs. I have seen many cases where a spouse will trade one addiction for another. A person’s addiction to drugs or alcohol is chemically no different than an addiction to the Internet, porn, food, or any other unhealthy excess.

14. Not Married for the Right Reasons

Did you marry for the right reason? Or better yet, did you become the “right” person for your spouse? Do you both have enough in common? If not, you will often look for that commonality in the arms of someone else.

15. Lack of Respect at Home

Does your spouse treat you well? Do you treat your spouse well in return? Over the years I have seen many doctors, for example, run off with their nurse or other medical support staff. It’s really not surprising that doctors, in general, are often worshipped by their staff at work, but in contrast at home, they are treated with a lack of respect. Does ego-stroking lead to affairs? Absolutely. Everyone enjoys a compliment; it would go a long way if spouses found ways to complement each other regularly.

16. Feeling Unappreciated

Some people fall into having an affair simply because they feel that they are not appreciated at home or that they are “doing all of the work” in keeping a marriage and home together. Again, questions to ask are these: Am I appreciative of my spouse? Am I being the “right person” for my spouse? If more people harbored a “servant’s” mindset for their spouse, more and more affairs and divorces could be avoided.

17. Issues Involving Body Image and Aging

Issues involving body image and weight gain as well as aging can, unfortunately, lead to an affair and or divorce. Some people will “trade-in” an aging spouse for a “younger” model. Of course, the point of this paragraph has nothing to do with unavoidable medical issues. But let’s face it. Many spouses tend to “let themselves go” over time. During the “romance” period, both spouses typically try to present themselves in the best possible light to “win” the affections and marriage commitment of the other. Once the prize (marriage) is won, many people think that “the chase is over.” Not so. Marriage is only the beginning. If people continued to consciously keep “chasing” their spouse, affairs and divorces could be avoided.

18. Esteem

You feel sleeping with others will improve your sense of self-worth, signal your independence or increase your social status and popularity.

19. Anger

You suspect or know your partner has betrayed you, so you want to get even. “The motivation is revenge,” Selterman said.

20. Insecurity

At the same time, too much insecurity can be one of the causes of infidelity in a marriage. The need for constant reaffirmation can lead to an affair, especially if one spouse becomes “too needy” or “too clingy.” It’s a delicate balance to find, but marriage requires nothing less than true and dedicated commitment.

21. Living Apart for Extended Periods of Time

Travel for work and living apart for extended periods of time invariably lead to affairs. Think of the movie Up in the Air with George Clooney. There, the female character carried on an affair with George Clooney’s character. George fell in love with her only to discover later that she was married and cheating on her husband with him.

22 Low commitment

This is oriented toward people’s definitions of exclusivity, Selterman said. “Some people say they never discussed being exclusive with their partner or ‘I didn’t want to get too close,’ or ‘I don’t envision a future with this person,’” he noted. “They’re in a relationship, but they haven’t specified that the commitment level is high or the exclusivity is there.”Excitement, forbidden fruit, boredom, opportunity, enticement, retaliation as you can see, the reasons why people have affairs are endless.

Men are more likely to have affairs than women and are often seeking more sex or attention. Men express their love in a more physical way they often don’t have the perfect “feeling words” for their wives. So sex becomes an important path to connection and intimacy.

If men aren’t sexually satisfied (for instance, if their spouse declines sex often), they take that rejection to heart, and it can easily translate to feeling “unloved.” In fact, men are more likely than women to cheat due to a feeling of insecurity.

When women cheat, they’re often trying to fill an emotional void.  Women frequently complain of disconnection from a spouse, and of the wish to be desired and cherished. Women are more likely to feel unappreciated or ignored, and seek the emotional intimacy of an extramarital relationship.

An affair is more often a “transitional” partner for the woman as a way to end the relationship. She is seriously looking to leave her marriage and this other person helps her do just that.

That’s not to say that sexual satisfaction isn’t a primary driver of affairs for wives as well as husbands. Similarly, boredom with the marital relationship may lead both men and women to cheat.

With or without individual or marital risk factors there are a number of possible reasons for marital infidelity. Underlying many of the reasons, however, lie a few threads. One is the role of unmet needs.

One partner may be incapable of fulfilling their partner’s needs, but far too often, those needs have not been expressed. Marital partners are not mind-readers. Another is the lack of addressing problems directly.

Content courtesy of Today, Very well mind, Divorce Mag & Nairobi fashion hub 

 

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