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Friday 19th of August 2022

Nairobi, Kenya

A Slay Queen’s Guide To Buying A House

A slay queen’s guide to buying a house is a must-have for any true slay queen.  It’s time to move on up and enjoy the sunlight while you lounge on the balcony. It’s a great way to start over.

You’ve been working hard and slaying even harder so now it’s your time to shine in the sun. You need a house that reflects your lifestyle and needs. There’s no more jumping over potholes whenever it pours or keeping your white pieces aside because you live in a dust bowl. Here are a few tips to help you out:

 

 

SPACE

Pay attention to the spatial aspects of the house. It’ll be hard to floss to others about how you’re moving up in life, yet you live in a colour-conflicted shoebox. You can’t have the sort of place where you’re bumping into the walls, yet you’ve barely opened the door. It means that you can’t entertain crowds with elevated taste levels since they might doubt you. A one-bedroomed house is a bit too cosy for your fashion needs unless it lets you live in the right neighbourhood.

If you get a two-bedroom house, then you’ll have a dedicated fashion room. Play your cards right, and it’ll be a backdrop for vlogging and fashion photography. All it needs are two full-length mirrors in this room, so you don’t have to keep twisting your body whenever you want a 360 view of your outfit. A vintage seat surrounded by ring lights next to your makeup box whenever you feel like getting your makeup done. It might take a day or two but isn’t that what boyfriends are for because you just had your nails done.

 

LOOKS MATTER

If the exterior is beautiful, then the interior can’t be that far off. Don’t visit places with ugly pictures online.

Step inside the place and imagine what you’d feel like every time you’d open your eyes in the morning. Will it feel like waking up to a soft dream or an ugly nightmare. The owner decided that they never needed an interior designer. Then, you might be a fountain of fashion insight, but you aren’t a miracle worker. Some places need to be demolished and re-done by someone with an aesthetic eye.

If it’s a furnished apartment, make sure that it’s tasteful and matches your colour palette.

 

NATURAL LIGHT

Being beautiful is a full 24/7/365 hustle, especially for your Instagram followers. Every slayer understands that finding the perfect natural light for selfies makes the difference between a look that others would kill for or a look that kills people.

Look for places with windows that make sense and let in as much natural light as possible. It creates an airy feel that can’t be faked and works well with high ceilings. It’ll feel divine basking in the sun, drinking tea and watching your neighbours chase their minions around the estate. Once in a while, you can enjoy the simple things in life especially when you don’t have the funds for Hulu and Netflix?

 

GREENERY

Take a stroll in the neighbourhood and see if the air feels right to you.

Nobody wants to feel like they’re in a concrete jungle. They want to walk, jog and run in their designer athleisure. It needs to be pet-friendly, especially if you think that you might be a dog person. With upscale areas, you always need to stay alert. You might strike gold any minute. So try out different routes and get to know the place. Success is a guarantee when opportunity meets preparation. So stock on that waterproof makeup and long-lasting lip colours.

 

PARKING SPACE

It doesn’t matter if your dream car only takes space on your screensaver on your iPhone. I mean, didn’t all dreams start from somewhere. Stay ready in case your luck changes for the better. So, a parking space is a must-have item. Nobody has time to run up and down in red-bottoms sweet-talking neighbours into lending them car space whenever their friends come for a bash. I mean, who’ll replace your heels if you wear them out like this.

 

AMENITIES

Choose a house wisely, so you never have to deal with inconsistent amenities. You never have to leave your taps open because you don’t know when water will decide to make an appearance since she’s like a diva. Imagine if water flooded your fashion room and decided your kiss your designer suede handbags and cashmere clothes. Dry cleaning exists, and it works, but what if those water stains never come out. Candlelit dinners will be optional and not a necessity because KPLC won’t tease and taunt you at odd hours.

Exclude areas without in-house gyms because you can’t afford to outgrow your clothes. Trust me you want to sweat in the privacy of an in-house gym, then you can glisten on your outdoor husband-hunting walks. All your designer clothes are snug fit and show off all your curves. If there’s a swimming pool, then that’s even better. It’s the best environment to blur the line between predator and prey. It’s the best time to test out your waterproof makeup. Let people see the real you after you’ve had your fun in the sun.

 

MALLS

Live in an area that’s easy to find. Nobody has the time to count three trees before making a left, looking for a red duka and other nondescript features whenever they’re trying to locate your place. So, one way of fixing this is by looking at houses near fancy malls like Lavington Curve. It also means that you can always rush in whenever your food supplies are running low. Or you can get a takeaway and treat yourself. Just like Shawshank Redemption, either get busy living or, you get busy dying in this life

A Slay Queens’ Guide To Etiquette

A Slay Queens’ Guide To Etiquette will help you manoeuvre through awkward situations.

You always need to stay ahead of the curve and be ready for anything.

She might be rough around the edges but she knows that if she plays the part then everything will fall into place. She knows that etiquette is lacking nowadays but she’ll never be a casualty of this. She’d never be caught dead placing a toothpick in her mouth trying to dig out chunks of meat from the abyss.

So we put together, a few tips if it’s your first time dining in that exclusive high-end place.

Always wait for everyone to be seated and for the hostess to serve them before you start eating.

Keep your cellphone away while you eat and make friendly conversation with others. Stay away from topics that always stir people the wrong way like politics and religion unless you’re trying to stand out for a reason.

Always read the invitation. Nobody dresses up in black to an all-white party unless you’re the one throwing the party.

Don’t drink too much because you’re not there to make a scene out of yourself. Also, you never know who’s watching and you don’t want to scare away your prey in case you’re hunting fresh meat.

Take off your sunglasses whenever you’re talking to someone so that you don’t seem rude. How else will they see your flawless contouring and smouldering eyes?

Be punctual. Fashionably late, of course.

Don’t overstay your welcome.

Respect people’s personal space. The same way that you have nightmares about how you used to endure matatus.

Take a thoughtful gift.

Don’t wave your selfie stick everywhere talking about how you’re a vlogger. Have some self-respect for yourself.

Avoid rude jokes about the party, host or food because gossip travels fast. Keep your eye to the ground for details that might help you in the long run.

A Slay Queen’s Guide To Starting A Business

A slay queen stays ahead of the business curve by starting a business. Your Barclays bank account is on life support but the better things in life never take a break. Beautiful people weren’t created to suffer long hours chasing after paychecks. Be a boss and a rise up.

The world revolves around money.

You might still be stuck at your day job watching your nail polish dry and wondering if it’s too early to pull a disappearing act. If you had a hustle, then, you’d only have to answer to yourself.

Starting a business is never easy. However, you can start by getting someone else to draw up your business plan if you’re not a business person. You don’t need to feel pressured to do everything, all the time.

Stay away from shylocks or weird messages talking about securing a loan in less than 24 hours. It’s never a guarantee that this will end well for you. People are aware that Brazilian weaves cost over Ksh 200,000. You don’t want bailiffs auctioning off your hair collection.

Stay away from invisible money initiatives, this includes digital currency initiatives unless you know what’s going on. If you don’t understand how a business works then how do you protect yourself from con artists.

Don’t open up a beauty and hair shop that’s identical to all the others lined up along the street. I mean aren’t you unique from everyone else. You need something different to draw customers to your shop.

Don’t place posters advertising your business in public transport, washrooms, walls or electric poles. You’ll look tacky. You can’t be associated with people that call those numbers. You also don’t want random numbers enquiring if you’re a ‘minji minji,’ and wondering where you live exactly. Femicide is real.

Never sell beauty enhancing products that promise to reduce melanin or make women “curvy” in specific areas. Since these products tend to be illegal and harmful. You don’t want to risk ruining your brand. One bag egg will misuse these products, end up with mismatching body parts and attempt to drag your name through the mud. It’s not your problem that they didn’t read the instructions.

Let a kick-ass designer create a cool website for you. This includes a logo that elevates your status and one that doesn’t leave people wondering what you do. It needs reliable contact details because money never sleeps.

If you have a notable social media presence then consider promoting fashion events, clubs or artists on your pages for money. You should be paid for partying and having a good time. Influencers share information about what works for them so read up on them. You can leverage your followers, start a brand and sell fashion-related items like Huddah and makeup.

Your loved one promised you a business, but you still need to check the business registration documents. A lawyer can check them out. You can’t be tossed out during the rainy season into the concrete jungle because he found a new plaything. Houses, land, cars and other expensive gifts need legal documentation listing you.

Paperwork means everything!

Lastly, you might not be good with numbers, so hire someone, that is. So, you can focus on growing your business and your brand until you make money in your sleep.

A Slay Queen’s Guide To Surviving The Lockdown

A slay queen thrives under lockdown because there’s no alternative.

I mean, who’ll wear all those awesome clothes in your wardrobe. You’ve been saving those red bottom heels, for a special occasion. All the looks that you’ve put together for all the fun, social, fashionable events, that were indefinitely postponed till things are better.

I mean there’s only one version of you, and you need to put all your haters to shame. Of course, it’ll be hard for you to get the usual essentials in this lockdown.

This lockdown might stretch for a while into the unforeseeable future. So what’s the best way to stay ahead of the curve.

First, don’t let your skin suffer under any circumstances. You might need a dermatologist on speed dial. Of course, you can’t get stressed out and break out in hives like in high school while you were fighting against hormones.

A true slayer knows that a smooth face is the best foundation for makeup. You need to order for all your skincare items to be brought to your doorstep.

Secondly, don’t forget to look after your hair. You might have to smuggle your stylist to do an emergency touch-up or to remove your weave. However, if you’re in the middle of nowhere with strange saloons then you’ll have to invest in low-maintenance styles and perhaps a wig, or two.

After all, you can change your hairstyle whenever you’re bored. Remember to wash and oil your hair as you wait for your favourite spa to reopen.

Indeed, you have to put aside delicate clothes. You know, that you can’t visit the dry cleaners, so why risk staining your cashmere sweater with take-out food from ArtCafe. I mean, this isn’t the time to take fashion risks. You should only wear cotton or other garments that are machine-wash friendly.

The gym is no longer a haven. You can’t wear tight yoga pants and lacy sports bras and snap pictures of yourself looking toned. You know that your clothes are a certain size. Hence, outgrowing your clothes isn’t an option. A slay queen needs to flourish during difficult times. You only have one option: figure out how to work out from home.

Stock up on luxury essentials. I’m talking about those pricey perfumes, that come in pretty shapes, and sizes. Also, foreign chocolates, that can’t be sourced locally. Let’s not forget all your top make-up brands’ products. Nobody knows when the lockdown will end. What if that day is tomorrow? You need to prepared to look your best.

Don’t entertain any house guests at any costs. I mean, isn’t everyone preaching about social distancing.

Don’t waste your time obsessing and flaunting yourself online. You can’t announce all your boss moves and wonder why haters are one step ahead of you. It helps to keep your enemies confused as to your plot your way ahead.

You have to study fashion and make-up trends from around the globe. Indeed, you can dedicate time to piecing together new looks, practising poses and snapping away pictures. Besides, you need to look like a fashionable badass whenever you post anything online.

You need to consider learning the basics of a new foreign language. Besides, you’ll always be travelling, I mean hello Emirates Business Class, I’m coming back to you.

You didn’t bake in the hot sun, wearing stilettos at Huduma Centre, waiting for a new passport to chill at home.

A Slay Queen’s Guide To Fashion

I believe that a slay queen never underestimates fashion because you never know whom you’ll bump into. Definitely, when preparation meets opportunity then success is right around the corner. Here are a few pointers on a slay queens’ guide to fashion.

A) High heels. Always have one nice black pair of heels in case money is tight. I love how black heels work well with most items. I can always invest in more quality pairs when money is a non-issue. Furthermore, if you’re still teetering on heels whenever you’re in them then straighten your back, place a book over your head and walk in your room. Believe me when I say that practice makes perfect.

B) Own a romper or two. Rompers are short, cute, flirty plus they’re perfect for events like Koroga. You always need to look your best plus you have long legs so why not show them off. Similarly, never wear a romper if you’re using public transport because not everyone understands style & someone might take it as an invitation to touch.

C) Make-up tutorials. It’s a no-no having your neck looking different from your face. Of course, those are mistakes that we left behind in 2017 & now we’re moving up in life. Internalise your skin tone & knows what works for you. In addition to learning from YouTube make-up tutorials and attend demonstrations that brush up your make-up skills. 

D) Own good make-up. On the same note, buy your make-up. You can afford it. I can’t believe that you’re contemplating sharing make-up brushes with other individuals yet you’re at the forefront of preventing acne breakouts? Invest in makeup that can stand up the elements and lasts all day long. I need to be able to attend events in blistering hot afternoons or grey rainy days worrying about foundation running down my neck.

E) Manicure + Pedicure. I can’t be there trying to reel in a big fish with chipped nail polish because slayers are always on point. How else will he know that I’m high maintenance if not by soft manicured nails? I wasn’t born for washing dishes and house chores especially if I can get a dishwasher and washing machine. Likewise, I need my feet manicured just in case I need to fly to coast out of nowhere. I can’t be walking on sand with cracked heels and long nails. 

F) Fashion. Develop a fashion sense that will always accentuate what you have & go with whatever brand that you’re trying to create. Research. Watch lots of fashion stuff online & you can buy dated, glossy fashion magazines on the streets for tips. Educate your Instagram followers because not slayers aren’t born, they’re moulded. 

A Slay Queens’ Guide To Getting Famous

Nairobi is hot, dusty and unforgiving especially dressed in six-inch high heels trying to get your hustle off the ground.

A slay queen can’t become famous overnight so here are a few tips on unleashing your inner slayer.

Weaves speak volumes.

Get a silky, long & voluminous hair weave that moves with your head whenever you turn your neck. It arrived in a golden box. Sitting on your head, it makes you feel like a real house-wife married to a famous artist or athlete. Easily snapping your fingers whenever someone doesn’t feel right or someone is being basic with you.

 

Plastic surgery is no longer a big deal.

Get a little nip & tuck done so younger girls don’t try to steal your crown and glory. If your boobs aren’t perky or your ass isn’t as round and curvy as it used to then find a good plastic surgeon immediately. Change your skin complexion from dark chocolate to a light caramel so that you’re no longer apart of #DarkSkinLivesMatter or #DarkGirlsDoItBetter Twitter conversations. 

Date Someone Famous

Date someone famous and ironically become famous because you’re absorbing all their popularity and using it to your advantage. Just look at your Instagram feed and the ladies trending. Who was spotted where? With whom? & What they wear wearing? Watch yourself glow up because your new bae is your ticket to the finer things in life.

Famous Baby Mama

Become a famous baby mama. I can’t imagine a better dual purpose role. Firstly, you become famous because everyone is curious about you and how you managed to outfox that guy. Secondly, child support can be a second career if he’s out there living large & earning well. Just read up on children’s court & know how to make that man sing for his supper.

Get ‘nice’ pictures taken

Get ‘nice’ pictures taken that’ll help propel your career as a slay queen. ‘Nice’ pictures that can be shared, ogled at, strike controversy and land modelling gigs.

Reality show

Reality show. Imagine a camera following you around all day. Make it juicy & get yourself promoted to the main face of the show. Double that paycheck and use that show to promote your other ventures. You need to be able to slay in your sleep and put money in the bank.

Follow Your Talent

Try singing or acting or modelling. Chase after a career that puts you in the limelight and forces people to reckon with you. If you have a voice then put out a demo cover online & share it widely. If you can act then figure out a way to end up on television alternatively YouTube vloggers can start you off.

Is Being Infamous Such A Bad Thing?

Become infamous. Any publicity is better than no publicity.

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